No surprises here, most of us aren’t prepared to navigate relationship changes after having kids.
We don’t know what’s ‘normal’ and what’s not. So, we adopt society’s expectations as ‘normal’ and think we should be like that too… like:
“Be ready for sex, get back to your pre-pregnancy weight, get back to work full-time…all by 6 weeks postpartum. But make sure you know that mothers can’t be sexually alive, and radiant humans either.”
And over time, those expectations and beliefs kill our desire for sex because it stresses us out and makes us feel inadequate and crazy.
Truth is, you’re not crazy, but that thinking is crazy!
The female body wasn’t designed to recover from childbirth in 6 weeks. Try 3 years.
And just because you’re a mama now doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t feel sexually alive, vibrant and radiant.
Most of us will, unfortunately, adopt the societal norm of mothers for ourselves that causes undue stress and tension that eventually leads to relationship dissatisfaction.
Simply because most of what we’ve been taught about being a mother doesn’t support healthy relationships or sex lives and most of it isn’t even true.
And it’s not like we’ve been given any tools or practices to help otherwise…
All this to say that…if you’re still reading this, you’re a gem and I’m so glad you’re here.
Because there’s a spark in you that says you’re not ok with mediocre, because there’s something in you that says you’re not ok with dimming your light just because you have kids.
If you’ve ever wondered, “How can I stop wanting to want it and just… want it?” Or, “Is it ok to feel so turned-on by my man when he helps out with the kids I can hardly control myself?”
The answer is YES! That is all ok here.
But if you’re the former, and you’re tired of feeling tired and you’re ready to start feeling like the sexy, alive, vibrant and radiant mama you know you can be, I’ve got 4 ways to awaken your sexual energy after having kids that will have you feeling like the goddess that you are very soon.
1) Make your pleasure a priority.
Making your pleasure a priority is a new concept for most of us women because we’ve been rewarded all our lives for putting our pleasure last.
Wherever you got your sexual education, it probably taught you all about men and their anatomy and pleasure centers and nothing about your own.
And somewhere along the lines this gave you the message that sex is for men’s gratification, not yours.
Well, our anatomy tells us a different story. Because it gave us women an organ that serves no other function than pleasure… something men don’t have.
Whether it’s making time to do these 3 self-love practices that will ignite your radiance, self-pleasuring, or having your partner give you a sensual massage with no other expectations…
You and your partner will need to make your pleasure a priority to awaken your sexual energy.
2) Understand that intimacy doesn’t have to involve intercourse.
In our sex-obsessed culture, we’ve forgotten the source of true intimacy. Fyi, it’s not just sex. Intimacy happens when we relate to each other in a certain way. So, you can totally have an intimate experience with someone without having sex.
Since couples, in general, miss the connection with each other more than sex after having kids; it’s important to shift the primary intimate connection of the relationship from sex to something else.
If sex happens, view it as a bonus intimate connection. But, don’t let it be the only source of intimacy.
Intimacy can be achieved by simply sitting across from each other, looking into each other’s eyes and breathing together. Or, sharing things you love about each other with one another.
Intimacy is really as simple as that. (Stay tuned for 3 intimacy-building practices for couples over the next 3 weeks…)
3) Drop the goal of orgasm
If you want to awaken your sexual energy and increase your desire, it’s super important for the both of you to not have a goal or agenda for any sexual encounter.
Instead of leading your time together with the goal of orgasm, take time to ignite all of your senses and surrender to the moment instead.
When sex happens with no goal of orgasm, it releases the brakes, which, in turn, accelerates your accelerator further increasing your desire.
For men, sex without orgasm is a hard one because they really care about pleasuring you. This is a good thing and a bad thing.
Good, because they really do care about your pleasure and bad because if you don’t orgasm, they often take it personally.
To make it easier and more pleasurable for the both of you, ensure him that you enjoy your time with him and find it pleasurable (if indeed that is true for your experience together) regardless of whether or not you have an orgasm.
So the more you practice surrendering to the moment and dropping any goal for your sexual encounters, the easier and more naturally your sexual energy will begin to awaken.
4) Focus on sensation
Instead of going for a goal, shift your focus during sex to the sensations happening in your body.
What are you feeling in the moment? What do you smell? What do you hear? What do you see? What do you taste?
It can help to ignite your senses by setting the space beforehand: light a scented candle, buy some chocolate covered strawberries to share together, really listen to the quality of your partner’s voice or put on some sensual music, use an essential oil infused massage oil, focus on your partner’s eyes…
When you focus on the sensations happening during your sexual encounters, it keeps your mind out of fantasy or a goal and keeps it in the present moment.
Once you practice focusing on sensations instead of fantasies or goals, you’ll find that you actually become more sensitive and turned-on.
Mama, your radiance that ignites as a result of awakening your sexual energy isn’t a luxury…it’s a necessity.
The world needs you alive. We need you radiant. We need you to shine your light.
Let me know in the comments section below which of the 4 tips stood out to you the most? I’d love to hear!
With so much love,