Two-thirds of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction within 3 years of having a baby.
It’s not because of the baby, of course, but because couples often don’t know how to keep the intimacy and connection alive with the baby too.
I don’t blame them.
Our society expects couples to be happy after having a baby but gives them no tools or practices to support and withstand the ebb and flow of life transitions.
And it also puts a harsh distinction on what desires are ‘right and wrong’ to have, how sexy mothers can or can’t be, how often is often enough to have sex, etc…
So a sexuality that isn’t perceived as ‘acceptable’ or ‘normal’ gets shoved down and isn’t shared or expressed within the relationship…along with desire.
And all this does is drive us further from each other seeking satisfaction and fulfillment from external sources.
Hello shopping, porn, cheating, alcohol and other various forms of addiction…
All because we cut off parts of ourselves that we don’t want to share because…shame & guilt.
But it’s within loving these parts of us and sharing them that the shame and guilt dissolve and transform back into the love.
And that process of opening up and sharing is where most of us get blocked and the relationship starts going downhill.
So, whether you have an infant, baby, toddler, teenager, or young adult, this intimacy practice is for those of you couples that either
1) just had a baby and want to keep the intimacy alive even though you’re not ready for sex
2) aren’t intimately satisfied with sex alone
3) haven’t had sex in a while and you don’t know how to break the ice or
4) you simply want to deepen your relationship with your partner.
Whatever degree of intimacy you experience in your relationship, the following practice is sure to break the ice and help the two of you open up, deepen, and come back to love:
The practice is called “Fears, loves & desires”
This is a verbal sharing practice that’s super simple when you get the hang of it. It allows you to let your partner know what’s really going on inside of you without the need to discuss or fix anything. It’s also great for teaching each other how to ‘hold space’ for one another.
The best thing about this practice is that it takes away the power struggle, sets aside the hurt feelings and creates a safe container to truly listen, be present with each other and connect instead of taking everything personally.
By creating a safe container to share honestly with each other without feeling like you’ll be blamed, he’ll get upset and try to fix everything, you’ll be practicing how to sit with each others’ emotions and feelings no matter what they are instead of feeling constantly judged as ‘right or wrong’ for feeling what you’re feeling.
To do the practice, one of you will ask the question and the other will answer and then you’ll switch, going until you’ve completed the 3 questions.
If you’re the one asking the questions, it’s super important and vital to not reply, comment, offer a suggestion, or argue about anything the person answering the questions is saying.
It’s only vital that you stay present with what the person answering is saying, hold space for them and listen. The best way to do this is to set a timer for 2 minutes for each question that’s asked to the partner.
If there’s a pause from the person answering, the person asking the question says, “Thank you” and asks the question again.
Start with the man asking you the question, “What do you really want?” When a natural pause happens, the man says, “Thank you” and asks “What do you really want?” again, giving you time to respond until the 2 minutes is up.
When your time for answering the question is up, you ask the man the question, “What do you really want?” repeating after a natural pause, “Thank you. What do you really want?” until his 2 minutes are up.
The most important thing to remember is to not change the question and to not have a conversation. Doing so breaks the safe container of the practice so be sure not engage in any dialog.
The next question to ask is, “What are you afraid of?” Repeating the same process as above.
Once the two of you have asked the question, “What are you afraid of?” and given each partner 2 minutes to answer each, the last question to ask is:
“What do you love about me?”
After you’ve completed the practice, you’ll most likely feel super connected to each other in a way that you might not have ever been before.
The more honest and uncensored you are in your answers, the more potent this intimacy building practice will be in connecting the two of you.
So, go share this with your partner now, get out the timer, start the practice, and tell me how it goes!
If you’ve got questions about how to initiate the practice or have additional questions about how to perform the practice, I’d love if you emailed me personally at firstname.lastname@example.org so I can further support you in that.
Also, be sure to sign up with your name and email anywhere on the website to get tons of other sex, love and relationship goodness delivered right to your inbox.
With so much love,
p.s. With the turn of the new year, I’m super excited to announce that I am currently training with The Institute of Integrated Sexuality to become a certified sex, love and relationship coach. If this sort of content lights you up, be sure to sign up for my email list to get notified when private coaching packages will be available and to get other juicy content delivered straight to your inbox NOW!