How to Create a Rocking Postpartum Sex Life

How to Create a Rocking Postpartum Sex Life

One of the biggest complaints from mama’s after welcoming a new baby is an indifference towards establishing a postpartum sex life.

 

Between meeting the needs of the baby, lack of sleep because of said baby, feeling touched-out, your breasts serving a purpose other than pleasure, pain or numbness from tears, episiotomies, or birth trauma – having a baby can do a number on your sex life making you wonder when or if you’ll ever even want it back.

This issue stems from our lack of attention and treatment to postpartum women in our culture. Sure, we’re told to not exercise or have sex for 6 weeks and to start doing kegels as soon as it feels right – which is good and all but the truth is, we have some serious room for improvement when it comes to postpartum support.

Sadly, it’s the status quo to just deal with your new body and suck it up even if something feels off or not right. No one talks about incontinence, or pain or numbness around the vulva or vagina so the issue is never diagnosed or treated leaving sex the last thing you’re wanting.

But, with the proper knowledge and attention on your self care and pelvic floor health, things can go back to normal and have you feeling like the most energized and sexually satisfied new mama on the block sooner rather than later.

To create a rocking postpartum sex life, here are a few things to consider:

 

1) Understand that your pelvic bowl is probably way out of alignment and do something about it:

You’ve been growing a baby in your uterus for 9 months and have just passed a 6-10lb baby through your pelvis. This means all of your organs and muscles have gone through a lot of changes and could totally use some gentle manipulation to get things back in alignment and to support your body’s natural healing process.

The first thing you could do is to schedule a belly binding session with a postpartum doula or friend who’s familiar with Bengkung belly binding.

Bengkung belly binding is a traditional Malaysian belly binding method. Essentially it’s a practice of tying a long strip of cloth around the abdomen during the postpartum recovery period to ensure a strong support to your womb after childbirth.

It’s also a great way to help you get back in alignment because it takes advantage of the Relaxin in your body (a hormone that helped your body become looser and more flexible in order to birth your baby) by putting pressure on the hips and pelvis to go back to its pre pregnancy state. It also helps to firm and support the areas that are still loose from pregnancy as the Relaxin reduces in your body. (For a belly binding expert in Lafayette, LA, contact Samantha here).

Another thing you could do to facilitate getting your pelvic bowl re-aligned is to have a chiropractic adjustment and to schedule a Mayan abdominal massage to help get your uterus, pelvic bowl ligaments and sacrum aligned. If you’re not familiar with Maya abdominal massage, check out this post here.

If you’re experiencing pain or numbness around your vulva or inside of your vagina, be sure to request a referral to a pelvic health specialist (usually a physical therapist) from your OB/GYN because pain or numbness is NOT normal nor is it ok to suffer in silence.

Doing everything you can to support your physical body getting back to normal so you don’t have pain in your pelvis or abdomen will have you feeling better and more confident about sex sooner than later.

2) Consider encapsulating your placenta

One of the biggest shocks to your postpartum body is adjusting to pre-pregnancy hormonal levels. By day 4 postpartum, your body will experience a sort of hormonal crash that may leave you feeling exhausted and may take you weeks to bounce back to your pre-pregnancy hormonal levels.

But, placenta encapsulation could help you bounce back sooner. If you think it’s a new fad, think again. It’s actually an ancient Traditional Chinese Medicine practice where you ingest the placenta after it’s been steamed, dehydrated, ground, and placed into capsules.

Some of the benefits include increased release of the love hormone, oxytocin, which also helps your uterus return to it’s normal size, increase in corticotropin-releasing hormone – a stress-reducing hormone, decreased chances of developing postpartum depression, restoration of your blood iron levels, increased milk production, and increased energy levels… to name a few.

Reduced stress, balanced hormones, more energy? Heck yeah that sounds sexy! It’s worth a try.

(If you’re in Lafayette, LA, I can do that for you…check it out here).

 3) Start a jade egg practice

 One of my favorite tools for reestablishing great pelvic floor health as well as to awaken and ignite your sexual energy after having a baby is the jade egg.

The jade egg is actually a small egg-shaped stone that you put up your vagina to help regain strength, feeling, and sensitivity within and around your vaginal muscles.

It’s way better than doing kegels alone because the jade egg activates energy channels in your body and opens you up to pleasure and reconnects you to your sexual and creative power. It does this by massaging reflexology points in your vagina within your pelvic floor and encourages balance, beauty and youth.

The jade egg has been around for thousands of years and it comes from China where ancient Toaist highpriesteses, (who were pretty much spiritual badasses) used the practice to increase their sexual energy and awaken spiritually. It’s like yoga for the vagina.

To get started, you can purchase one from Layla Martin here or Jillian Anderson here.

4) Establish a daily self-care routine

Just as establishing a rhythm and ritual in birth is vital to an effective labor, you need to establish a daily self-care ritual to fuel your own fire and fane your own flame to allow more pleasure into your life.

Yes, you just had a baby but you are still a human being with needs and desires too. So instead of expecting others to meet your needs, (like your partner) and secretly becoming resentful, you need to carve out a good 30 minutes each day to take care of yourself and refuel.

A woman who takes care of herself is radiant, wanting, energized, and turned on, but a woman who doesn’t and puts her needs last is needy, clingy, resentful, and turned off.

Taking care of you is NOT selfish. There’s a reason that flight attendants always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others: it’s because you must take care of yourself before you can be effective at taking care of others!

How this looks in your daily life will vary depending on what you like. For some, it may mean taking a 30 minute undisturbed, candlelit Epsom salt bath, followed by lathering yourself in coconut oil and your favorite essential oil while your partner takes care of the baby.

For others, it may look like scheduling a mani/pedi appointment or going for a walk with a good friend in your neighborhood for an hour in-between breastfeeding sessions while your partner takes care of the baby.

Whatever it is you like that makes you feel good, it’s YOUR responsibility to make it known to your partner and ask for help and some undisturbed time for self care away from the baby every single day.

This will help you from feeling touched-out or feeling like a human pacifier. So, by all means, make your needs and self-care a priority because you WILL feel more tuned in and turned on if you’re allowing yourself a wee bit of time and space to just take care of you every single day.

5) Get enough sleep

Most new mama’s have no idea how much they’re actually going to be up every night with the baby. That’s why it’s important to understand what getting enough sleep means.

It means that you keep a notepad and pen by your bed and track how long you sleep in between each feeding and you don’t get up or dress yourself for the day until you’ve gotten at least 8 hours total.

If that means you go to bed at 10:00pm but you wake up 3 times to feed the baby and are up for an hour each time, than you don’t get up and dress yourself until 9:00am, not 6:00am.

It probably goes without saying, but being well-rested will have you feeling way more ready to give and receive pleasure than being exhausted. No one feels turned-on and ready to go when they’re exhausted.

6) Shift your focus from sex to connection

Having a rocking postpartum sex life is so much more than just the sex – it’s really about the connection. And having a new baby in the house will cause you to have to get a little more creative about when and how you connect.

It may mean that you spend less time actually having sex and more time sharing your fears, desires and things you love about each other with each other.

Whether it’s intense eye gazing for a prolonged period of time, giving sensual massages, him giving you all the attention without pressure for penetration or you giving him the pleasure without performance pressure – getting creative about ways that you can connect with each other outside of penetration for a few months postpartum could have the two of you feeling more connected and turned-on than ever.

The great thing about shifting your focus from sex to connection is that it will allow the two of you to explore each other in ways that you never have further increasing the connection and chemistry.

It might take some time, but the more you focus on connecting deeply with one another, the sooner you will be ready.

If you’re curious about ways to more deeply connect with your partner, be sure to check out this amazing online masterclass for couples here.

With so much love,

Lacey

p.s. Not postpartum yet but wanna feel really confident about having a natural birth? Be sure to sign up for my free webinar: 6 Keys to Reclaiming Your Power and Confidence in Birth. Learn what it takes to get confident, empowered and free to give birth on your terms right here on October 17, noon CDT.

5 Sexy Facts to Improve Your Postpartum Sex Life

5 Sexy Facts to Improve Your Postpartum Sex Life

There are so many things in life we’re heavily schooled on. But, when it comes to our postpartum sex life, what we’ve been taught makes us feel like there’s something wrong with us.

And the little we do learn about our sexuality from parents, teachers, friends, and cousins is 90% about men anyway.

So what about the women, the mamas? What are you to make of your sexuality in a world that doesn’t teach you correct facts about it? Especially after having a baby…

For most of us, it’s doom and gloom because we absorb the cultural message which says that women should have spontaneous desire, orgasm from penetration, that we should get wet when we’re turned on, and that we should be totally up for sex by 6 weeks postpartum.

Lemme tell ya a lil somethin about this message – it’s ruining your postpartum sex life.

Phew, now that we’ve got that out the way, I want you to take everything you learned about what your postpartum sex life should be like and throw it out the window. Got it? Good. Go do it now.

To start on a clean slate is to learn the facts first then make what you want out of the rest.

Because, everything your culture taught you to believe about your sexuality is probably untrue.

And recognizing instead, that you’re actually normal and not broken is step one to having a rocking postpartum sex life. (To get notified of the next blog coming out on “How to Have a Rocking Postpartum Sex Life”, put in your name and email anywhere on the website or right here!!!)

In my overly church-going, your-body-is-sinful-and-you-should-be-ashamed-of-yourself-for-feeling-pleasure upbringing, I was secretly fascinated with understanding the science behind everything sensual and erotic because I’m a total science geek and a rebel.

So by the time I was in 7th grade, I opted out of taking sex-ed with my class so that I could read the text book instead and hopefully gain more insight than listening to pubescent teenagers snicker at the word “penis” and “vagina”.

I was very disappointed that the text book only taught me about my reproductive system and nothing about my sexuality.

So by the time I turned 31, I stepped up and took matters into my own hands and read and studied every book in the library on female sexuality and started a daily practice to heal myself of the guilt and shame I grew up with around it.

The result? I learned a TON and healed myself of all that.

I really couldn’t believe how under-educated we women are about our bodies and our sexuality. It’s not that the science isn’t there. I mean, yeah, science is ahead of understanding male sexuality over female, but if we women only knew the science that ALREADY exists, we would feel so much more confidence and joy within our bodies just knowing that we’re all normal!

So let’s clear up a few things and teach you 5 sexy facts about sex that are true and will help you have a better postpartum sex life just knowing about them. Sound good? Cool. Here we go:

1) Sex isn’t a drive, like hunger or thirst.

You’re not going to die if you don’t have sex. It’s an incentive motivation system instead.

Hunger and thirst push you to seek out what you need to not be hungry or thirsty. So when you hear “drive”, think “survive”.

Unlike hunger and thirst, sex pulls you to want it by sexy external stimuli. So really, sex as an “incentive motivation system” as opposed to a drive is a fancy word for “thrive.”

The idea that sex is a drive is important to end because it sends out the message to many women, especially postpartum women, that if sex is a hunger and you never get hungry, then there’s something wrong with you and you’re sick.

Which leads us to sexy fact #2 that shows us why sex as a drive isn’t true:

2) Only 15% of women want sex out of the blue. 30% want it only when something sexual and erotic is already happening. The rest of women experience a mix between this spontaneous and responsive desire depending on the context.

Wow. Did you get that? So basically, the cultural message we’ve been taught is that there’s something wrong with us, we’re not normal, and we’re sick if we don’t experience spontaneous desire (sex out of the blue) yet only 15% of women actually experience that kind of desire.

So guess what? You’re normal if you don’t spontaneously want sex! There’s nothing wrong with that. How you feel about you not wanting it is another thing. And there are ways to improve how you feel about it as well as ways to improve your desire for your partner but that’s the next blog. So, put in your name and email here or anywhere on the website to get notified when that comes out.

3) Orgasm isn’t a genital response and there’s only one type of orgasm.

“OMG, what did you just say?”

Yeah, I said that. Or rather, I didn’t say it, researchers did.

Most people think that orgasm is marked by pelvic floor contractions and that you can have different types of orgasms. But, technically speaking, neither is necessarily true.

According to the science, genital physiological markers of orgasm aren’t always predictive of a woman’s subjective experience of orgasm. So, it isn’t what happens in your genitals, it’s about what happens in your brain.

Which is why orgasm is so hard to explain, just like contractions in birth.

And secondly, orgasm is defined as a sudden release of sexual tension generated in different ways.

So, despite the cultural message that there are a bazillion different “kinds” of orgasms, they’re all the same thing but may feel different depending on where they’re generated.

And if we try to categorize orgasms by how they feel, there’d be a different category for every orgasm a woman has. (This one is new for me too!)

So stop being so hard on yourself if you don’t experience orgasm the way your friends do. Or if not at all. It’s all subjective anyway.

4) Only 30% of women reliably orgasm through penetration alone. 70% sometimes, rarely, or never orgasm from penetration alone.

The most common way for women to orgasm is from clitoral stimulation.

As Freud would have you think, you’re not less of a woman if you’ve never had an orgasm from penetration.

It doesn’t matter how it happens. And making orgasm the goal as opposed to pleasure is a sure-fire way to never have one.

5) Women are only 10% concordant – meaning, only 10% of the time are most women wet and turned on at the same time.

For men, there’s a 50% overlap between blood flow to his genitals and how turned on he feels.

For us women, we can be turned on and not wet and we can be wet and not turned on 90% of the time.

The best way for your partner to tell if you’re aroused and ready for sex is to listen to your words, not look at your genitals.

So, now that I’ve just squashed everything you thought you knew about sex , you’re probably going to start experiencing some resentment, maybe some anger, maybe some frustration over the next week.

I surely did.

Learning all of this had me super angry at a society and culture that only taught me what’s true for VERY FEW women regarding their sexuality.

Regardless, know that learning about your sexuality has a way of bringing up your shit as well as some deep rooted ancestral pain, so be gentle with yourself and know that you are normal, perfect, and whole just as you are right now.

I hope these 5 sexy facts help you to understand that you are normal. If you’re experiencing a postpartum lack of desire, know that you’re not alone and there are ways to get your grove back. I’m going to talk to you about that next week. Stay tuned!

*Most of the facts presented here are from the book, “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. If this information was fascinating to you, do yourself and your partner a favor and pick up a copy and read it.

With so much love,

Lacey

p.s. Don’t forget to sign up with your name and email anywhere on the site to get “How to Have a Rocking Postpartum Sex Life” coming out soon!

“How can you have a pleasurable or even orgasmic birth?”

“How can you have a pleasurable or even orgasmic birth?”

I spent years avoiding pleasure because I didn’t have the knowledge or tools to get myself through the heartbreak that made pleasure unbearable.

I didn’t feel that I deserved it.

And I was too afraid to feel it for fear of loosing it…again.

Of course, that belief was under the false pretense that pleasure came from something outside of me. And no one told me otherwise.

So I spent years avoiding pleausre.

Nothing about life was sweet, music sounded ok, colors were just colors, and flowers were just flowers. I was not living. I was stuck.

Until one day, I vowed that I’d get myself out of this and find out what it’d take to bring pleasure back into my life and feel truly alive again.

Today, I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments to have turned all that around.

It took a hell a lot of courage I didn’t know I had.

It started with saying yes to my life.

And the first thing I said YES to after becoming single at 27 with a 6 month old and a 3 year old was a next level relationship.

Dating was scary. as. hell.

It took getting curious about what would happen if I let go of attachment and hope for the relationship I wanted with a particular man that wouldn’t say yes.

Then connecting with my desire and what brought me pleasure and focusing instead on that.

Letting go of negative, limited belief systems around pleasure and desire from childhood that no longer served me.

And after meeting my husband, expanding more and more every day into what is even possible when it comes to pleasure and intimacy between two people.

Unfortunately, I had no idea what was possible in the form of pleasure when I birthed my babies.

And even though I’m not having any more, I do know that it’s possible to have pleasurable, even orgasmic birth experiences.

I’ve spent a year and a half expanding the upper limits of pleasure in my body, and breaking through limits of possibility with my partner.

And I’m now feeling more alive than ever.

Sometimes, what I feel in my body scares me whether it’s pain in a particular area or a new sensation. Just like in labor and birth.

But instead of letting the fear and pain get the best of me, the wise woman inside me reminds me that it’s ok to be afraid, you don’t have to shut down.

Stop where you are in the fear, the pain, or the new sensation. Feel into it. Breathe. Move towards it. Lean into it. Slowly. Keep breathing. De-armor. There’s something amazing on the other side of it.

And that’s exactly what I hope for birthing women who are a bit more ahead of me than I was birthing my babies not knowing the possibility for pleasure.

Don’t let the fear and pain of labor and birth shut you down in the process.

Feel into it. Don’t escape it. Stay in your body. Breathe. Lean into it. There is pleasure on the other side of what you’re feeling.

And it will make you laugh uncontrollable.

Or cry in ecstasy.

Or maybe even scream like a wild woman.

It’s possible and I show you how right here in today’s video.

Are you excited at the possibility of having a pleasurable or even orgasmic birth? I’d love to hear from you about where you’re at and how you’re preparing for it.

If you have any burning pregnancy/birth related questions you’d love to ask, send them to lacey@laceybroussard.com and I’ll answer it via vlog in the next few days. You’ll remain anonymous.

With so much love,

Lacey

 

 

3 Simple Steps to Garner Support for Your Birth

3 Simple Steps to Garner Support for Your Birth

 

Your family, your friends, your partner, your caregivers: Do they support your decisions and desires for your birth?

Totally one of the most asked questions and biggest concerns I hear about. “I really want my mom their but she’s not very supportive. What if my partner or caregiver doesn’t support my decisions?”…

If you’ve been worried about whether or not your family, friends, partner or caregiver will support you in your desires for your pregnancy and birth, welcome to the club!

This is one of the 3 common blockages to having an empowered birth. To read about all three, click here.

When you don’t feel supported, nothing seems to go your way.

What’s amazing though, is that getting past feeling not supported is super simple.

To be supported means to take a stand for what you want and invoke the support into your life by having fun asking for what you want.

This is where a lot of mama’s get stuck and end up NOT having an empowering birth experience.

To call in the support you really crave from your family, friends, caregiver, and partner, follow these 3 simple steps:

1) Get clear about what you want.

This whole pregnancy thing and learning about labor and birth might be new for you so you’re learning as you’re going.

This can make it hard to make any clear, firm decisions about what you want until later in your pregnancy. And then many mama’s get trapped into thinking that it’s too late to change plans. (It’s not, but regardless…).

As pregnancy goes on, you learn more and may realize that you want something different. Changing course midway can make it difficult for skeptical family, friends and partners to go along with anything that isn’t the norm. (Hello natural birth or home birth?!)

Getting clear on what you want and taking a stand for it is the single most important step you can take to fostering a support system that’s on your side.

As Mama Gena teaches, one of the greatest forms of womanly art is whetting your own appetite. That means being able to identify your desires and ask for what you want.

Which leads us to…

2) Ask for what you want

This sounds so simple, but we woman have been conditioned to disregard our desires as too big, or we feel unworthy and ignore them as not for us. So, we sabotage our own desires before we even ask for them.

Well, you’re gonna have to choose to not believe in that anymore if you want to win over the support of family, friends, caregivers and your partner.

You’re going to need to muster up the courage to ask.

That becomes easier the more you realize that this is your body, your baby, your pregnancy, not anyone else’. It’s your rite to only allow people you fully trust to have anything to do with it.

Getting clear about who you trust to support you on your journey through pregnancy and childbirth is as simple as standing up for yourself and taking action to find caregivers who hold the same values as you.

The only way to find them is to ask.

When you’re clear about what you want, you’re going to need to ask potential or current caregivers, family members, friends, and even your partner if they’re cool with it.

If not, the game’s not over until you’ve tried #3…

3) Have fun

One way to invoke the support of skeptical family, friends, partners and caregivers rather than provoke them into supporting you is to practice another one of the womanly arts of enjoying yourself no matter what.

As a woman, you have way more power than you think. When you start practicing getting clear about your desires and taking a stand for them by asking for what you want, you’ll be presently surprised about how positively people respond to you – especially men.

If you run into resistance, this doesn’t mean you stop there and give up. NO!!! It’s actually a sign that you need to start HAVING MORE FUN with your desire.

Dare I say…FLIRT with it!

Connect with the gorgeous, fun-loving, brilliant feminine essence of you that says, “You know what, this might seem to suck, but I’m not giving up. I’ll have fun with it instead and look at it as an experiment.”

When you trust that your desires are an asset that point you in the direction you are to go in life, you can rest assured that the support will come when you dare to follow and have fun with them.

The more you can relax into having fun with your desires and asking for what you want, the less you hold a grip of death on them.

How many of your desires have ever been fulfilled by choke holding them into existence?

Yeah, probably none because that is not the truth of your feminine nature and how creating your reality works.

The more fun you have with your desires and asking for them, the easier it will be to call in your support system.

What other areas of your life have you been able to call in the support of a skeptical partner, friend or family member by having fun with your desire? Let us know in the comments section below!

Here’s to being empowered mama.

With so much love,

Lacey