How To Awaken Your Sexual Energy After Having Kids

How To Awaken Your Sexual Energy After Having Kids

No surprises here, most of us aren’t prepared to navigate relationship changes after having kids.

We don’t know what’s ‘normal’ and what’s not. So, we adopt society’s expectations as ‘normal’ and think we should be like that too… like:
 
“Be ready for sex, get back to your pre-pregnancy weight, get back to work full-time…all by 6 weeks postpartum. But make sure you know that mothers can’t be sexually alive, and radiant humans either.”
 
And over time, those expectations and beliefs kill our desire for sex because it stresses us out and makes us feel inadequate and crazy.

Truth is, you’re not crazy, but that thinking is crazy!

The female body wasn’t designed to recover from childbirth in 6 weeks. Try 3 years.

And just because you’re a mama now doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t feel sexually alive, vibrant and radiant.

Most of us will, unfortunately, adopt the societal norm of mothers for ourselves that causes undue stress and tension that eventually leads to relationship dissatisfaction.

Simply because most of what we’ve been taught about being a mother doesn’t support healthy relationships or sex lives and most of it isn’t even true.

And it’s not like we’ve been given any tools or practices to help otherwise…

All this to say that…if you’re still reading this, you’re a gem and I’m so glad you’re here.

Because there’s a spark in you that says you’re not ok with mediocre, because there’s something in you that says you’re not ok with dimming your light just because you have kids.

If you’ve ever wondered, “How can I stop wanting to want it and just… want it?” Or, “Is it ok to feel so turned-on by my man when he helps out with the kids I can hardly control myself?”

The answer is YES! That is all ok here.

But if you’re the former, and you’re tired of feeling tired and you’re ready to start feeling like the sexy, alive, vibrant and radiant mama you know you can be, I’ve got 4 ways to awaken your sexual energy after having kids that will have you feeling like the goddess that you are very soon.

1) Make your pleasure a priority.

Making your pleasure a priority is a new concept for most of us women because we’ve been rewarded all our lives for putting our pleasure last.

Wherever you got your sexual education, it probably taught you all about men and their anatomy and pleasure centers and nothing about your own.

And somewhere along the lines this gave you the message that sex is for men’s gratification, not yours.

Well, our anatomy tells us a different story. Because it gave us women an organ that serves no other function than pleasure… something men don’t have.

Whether it’s making time to do these 3 self-love practices that will ignite your radiance, self-pleasuring, or having your partner give you a sensual massage with no other expectations…

You and your partner will need to make your pleasure a priority to awaken your sexual energy.

2) Understand that intimacy doesn’t have to involve intercourse.

In our sex-obsessed culture, we’ve forgotten the source of true intimacy. Fyi, it’s not just sex. Intimacy happens when we relate to each other in a certain way. So, you can totally have an intimate experience with someone without having sex.

Since couples, in general, miss the connection with each other more than sex after having kids; it’s important to shift the primary intimate connection of the relationship from sex to something else.

If sex happens, view it as a bonus intimate connection. But, don’t let it be the only source of intimacy.

Intimacy can be achieved by simply sitting across from each other, looking into each other’s eyes and breathing together. Or, sharing things you love about each other with one another.

Intimacy is really as simple as that. (Stay tuned for 3 intimacy-building practices for couples over the next 3 weeks…)

3) Drop the goal of orgasm

If you want to awaken your sexual energy and increase your desire, it’s super important for the both of you to not have a goal or agenda for any sexual encounter.

Instead of leading your time together with the goal of orgasm, take time to ignite all of your senses and surrender to the moment instead.

When sex happens with no goal of orgasm, it releases the brakes, which, in turn, accelerates your accelerator further increasing your desire.

For men, sex without orgasm is a hard one because they really care about pleasuring you. This is a good thing and a bad thing.

Good, because they really do care about your pleasure and bad because if you don’t orgasm, they often take it personally.

To make it easier and more pleasurable for the both of you, ensure him that you enjoy your time with him and find it pleasurable (if indeed that is true for your experience together) regardless of whether or not you have an orgasm.

So the more you practice surrendering to the moment and dropping any goal for your sexual encounters, the easier and more naturally your sexual energy will begin to awaken.

4) Focus on sensation

Instead of going for a goal, shift your focus during sex to the sensations happening in your body.

What are you feeling in the moment? What do you smell? What do you hear? What do you see? What do you taste?

It can help to ignite your senses by setting the space beforehand: light a scented candle, buy some chocolate covered strawberries to share together, really listen to the quality of your partner’s voice or put on some sensual music, use an essential oil infused massage oil, focus on your partner’s eyes…

When you focus on the sensations happening during your sexual encounters, it keeps your mind out of fantasy or a goal and keeps it in the present moment.

Once you practice focusing on sensations instead of fantasies or goals, you’ll find that you actually become more sensitive and turned-on.

Mama, your radiance that ignites as a result of awakening your sexual energy isn’t a luxury…it’s a necessity.

The world needs you alive. We need you radiant. We need you to shine your light.

Let me know in the comments section below which of the 4 tips stood out to you the most? I’d love to hear!

With so much love,

Lacey

Ignite Your Radiance as a New Mama With These 3 Self-Love Practices

Ignite Your Radiance as a New Mama With These 3 Self-Love Practices

When I birthed my preterm baby on all fours of the hospital labor and delivery room, I felt like a badass warrior goddess.

But after a 10-day NICU stay, sleep deprivation, sore nipples, and a couple life or death scares later, I lost it…

the pregnancy glow, the radiance, the connection to my body…it all disappeared like a thief in the night knowing good and well that I had to get back what was lost. Like, now!

But, what exactly was it? Where did it go? How could I get it back? At the time, I didn’t realize what “it” was.

After witnessing over 100 women have empowering births as a doula, I started to realize that “it” was: a woman’s radiance, her connection to her body, her power.

In the throws of caring for a newborn and toddler, getting divorced, moving across the country, navigating single-parenthood, and starting a brand-new job, I had lost the love and connection I had with my body while pregnant and birthing my babies…like so many other women.

With the intent to learn to connect with my glow and radiance again, I searched out teachers, healers, coaches, and mentors to help.

Soon, I started learning how to love myself and connect to my body until I started feeling radiant again.

For the time I wasted looking for my radiance outside of myself, I was saddened at the years lost searching for something that was within me all along.

You might want to go buy some clothes that fit, you might need a lunch date with your closest girl-friend for some “me-time”, you might want to put on your sexiest shade of lipstick and have a dance-party with your 1-year old, cause, let’s face it, doing all this is essential to keeping your sanity after the life transition of pregnancy and birth.

But if you’re ready to take things a step further and ignite your radiance and connection with your body after having a baby, here are 3 self-love practices for you to do as soon as you’re physically capable so you can feel like the goddess that you are every day:

1) Create a list of all the amazing ways your body worked for you and your baby to grow, support, and birth another human being in this world. Write them down and post them around your house.

No matter how your pregnancy and birth went, you grew a baby and birthed it. And because of that, you are a legend and a miracle. Give yourself some credit for it.

Too many women get caught up in negative body-image talk after having a baby.

Stretch marks galore, swollen breasts that give way to saggy ones, wrinkles and folds in new places, we’re all expected to get rid of all those in no-time instead of revel in and give gratitude for all the ways our body did us right.

Stop and give yourself the celebration it deserves. When you celebrate your body and all that it did for you and your baby instead of placing unrealistic expectations on yourself, you’re much more likely to experience optimal health and wellness.

2) Shower your body in love and gratitude by giving yourself a breast massage with your favorite oils.

For ages, women have been told to perform breast massage to gain awareness of any tissue changes that they may need to report to their health-care provider.

However, breast massage is such a potent way to increase self-love as well as relieve pain and discomfort from engorgement or PMS symptoms. It also helps to minimize stretchmarks, improve skin tone, prevent sagging, and improve shape.

Although you might be experiencing sore nipples and feeling “touched-out,” breast massage will offer a new experience to have you feeling less pain around the area outside of your areola and a greater sense of self-love.

To do breast massage, pour a generous amount of coconut or olive oil in your hands. I like to add 5-6 drops of my favorite essential oil to enhance the experience.

Rub your hands together until the oil is warm and slowly bring your hands to the outside of your breasts. Start massaging in a circular direction going down on the outside and up on the inside for 2-3 minutes. Then, reverse the direction and go do up on the outside and down on the inside for another 2-3 minutes.

Remember this is a self-love practice so be very gentle with yourself and massage to the degree of firmness that feels good to you.

When you are finished, wrap your arms around yourself a give yourself a big hug.

3) Dig out the hand-held mirror, take a good look at your postpartum vulva, tell her hello and that you love her every single day for 21 days.

Because it’s rarely talked about, you may have heard the myth that a vaginal birth will wreck your vulva. After all, there’s no way to see what a post-vaginal birth vulva looks like leaving many mamas struggling with the appearance after giving birth.

You may have experienced some tearing and swelling immediately after birth that may have scared or worried you that things would never go back to normal.

Your vagina is an amazing healing machine. You will heal and things will look normal down there again soon.

Instead of fretting, connect with your vulva every day and show her some love for what she’s done for you and your baby. Literally, give her 30 seconds every day for 21 days with a simple “hello beautiful. Thank you.” And watch your radiance ignite.

The world needs more mamas connecting to their body and inner radiance, and who truly love themselves. You are a unique individual with a light and message to share with the world. Ignite your radiance with these 3 self-love practices and share it.

With so much love,

Lacey

p.s. Afraid of what’s going to happen to your sex life after having kids? Set yourself up for optimum health and get my FREE handout on 6 Fail-proof Steps to Creating a Rocking Postpartum Sex Life now by entering your name and email anywhere on the website. Bonus: you’ll get access to exclusive content and discounts I only offer via email!

 

 

 

Hospital Birth – The Good, The Bad & the Ugly

Hospital Birth – The Good, The Bad & the Ugly

I’ll be honest and say that hospitals aren’t my preferred venue for birthing babies or for attending births as a doula.

I mean, yeah, they’re great for treating sick people,

and some pregnant women are sick or have complications that need the sort of medical attention hospitals provide…

But pregnancy itself has never been considered a sickness.

So why are low-risk, healthy pregnant women birthing their babies in a place for sick people?

Even though it sounds safer to have your baby in a hospital because, ya know…”What if there’s an emergency?”

I often find myself wondering…

“How did that healthy, low-risk woman feel about being treated like a sick person for simply having a baby?”

And I never feel good about attending a birth at a hospital for a mom who I know will be treated like something is wrong with her for no good reason.

BUT I also know that hospitals are the standard for having babies – 99% of them are born there.

So, they play a big role in how we do birth in our culture.

And they’re literally changing how women give birth and how babies are brought into this world…

Mostly in anxiety and fear or for convenience or vanity’s sake

And plenty of women love it!

But, since the early 2000’s, out-of-hospital birth has been on the rise

So what better time than now to talk about it.

Not from a right or wrong standpoint, but… an open conversation.

People have strong feelings about where they should birth their babies…

it’s such a polarized topic and I’m honestly a bit scared to open up this conversation with you because I know how opinionated people are

But, I also know how important it is to talk about it.

Because 1 in 3 women report their birth to have been a traumatic experience.

And at the same time, plenty of women are super grateful and appreciative of hospitals with their life saving technology and interventions for saving them and their baby’s lives.

So, here’s my perspective on the good, the bad, and the ugly of choosing to birth your baby in a modern day hospital.

Hospital birth, in my opinion, became the status quo during first wave feminism not because it was safer, but because women realized they had the right to not feel pain in childbirth.

The midwives had stuff, but it wasn’t the gooood stuff.

And because of that, more and more women wanted the type of anesthesia in childbirth only available in the hospital.

So they flocked there where they could get knocked out and never even know the baby was born until hours later.

Eventually, doctors realized that such heavy drugs during childbirth weren’t safe and many women didn’t like them.

And on top of that, women wanted to be aware of what was going on, but they didn’t want to feel the pain.

Soon, the epidural was introduced for use during childbirth to reduce pain while still allowing the woman to feel the pressure necessary to bear down and be an active participant in pushing her baby out.

And ever since, the epidural has been the standard for coherent childbirth without the pain.

So, you could say that wanting to be coherent for your baby’s birth without feeling pain is a beautiful and amazing thing and that it’s possible with the use of the epidural in the hospital setting.

And we can’t forget how amazing the c-section can be for moms who really need it.

But, that brings us to the bad which is that epidurals and other unnecessary interventions in childbirth can go terribly wrong leading to a cascade of interventions that often lead to emergency situations.

And there’s no way to know if the epidural or any other intervention is going to negatively affect you or your baby.

It’s luck of the straw. Every body is different and you won’t know how you or your baby will react until you try it.

So, if you think of women giving birth in tribal societies even today, you see how hands-off most traditional midwives are.

They follow the laboring woman around and periodically check her and her baby’s vitals, but they don’t necessarily DO anything other than catch the baby when it’s time.

And over 90% of the time, everything works out and couldn’t be better without the need for any interventions.

But in most modernized countries, the story looks a lot different. Interventions are so common and widely used that women expect them and truly believe they need them.

And this only leads to confusion.

All the interventions create a huge misunderstanding leaving women feeling like they’ve got lemons and that their bodies weren’t cut out to birth babies.

Which is a total lie and misconception.

So…women praise the emergency c-section for saving themselves and their baby’s lives, but mostly only because an emergency c-section was needed AFTER receiving an unnecessary intervention.

Which leads me to the ugly…

The ugly is that the excessive and unnecessary use of interventions practiced in the hospital birth setting has resulted in the USA being the only country on Earth with a rising maternal mortality rate.

According to the World Health Organization, between 1990 and 2013 maternal mortality in the US has doubled while half of the maternal deaths could have been prevented.

Yes, hospitals are taking excellent care of high-risk women, but in the US, we’re leaving low-risk, healthy women behind with very few or even no options for birthing their babies in any other way than in the hospital…for sick people.

And that’s totally not cool.

Because we’re subjecting low-risk, healthy women to a technocratic model of care that sees pregnancy and childbirth as an issue instead of a normal, natural event that occurs in a woman’s life.

Women deserve the right to be treated as if there is nothing wrong with them…until there is. And by and large, that doesn’t happen in today’s average American Labor and Delivery Ward.

Instead, women are greeted with a needle for an IV, a continuous contraction and fetal heart-tone monitor that limits their ability to move, a vaginal exam, a drip of Pitocin, and an epidural and are then given a “trial of labor” to see if they’re going to “make it”.

All this for healthy, low-risk women.

And for what?

In the end, all people ever want and really crave is a healthy mom and healthy baby.

And so many don’t end up with that even with all of our technology and interventions

many times, because of the OVERUSE of our technology and interventions.

The answer, in my opinion, is a total restructuring of maternity care that utilizes the skill and expertise of the midwife as the primary care practitioner who refers issues out of her scope of practice to a physician when indicated.

The biggest reason we are so far from this happening is because of the fear that’s been instilled in our culture around giving birth.

We have midwives, but few healthy, low-risk women choose them because…fear.

If young girls were taught from an early age that birth was a normal, natural event instead of some scary, painful, medical issue, we would eventually irradiate the fear.

Women simply believe that they can’t do it either because it’s too painful and they NEED the epidural, or because they believe their bodies aren’t capable.

With the right support, education, and self-care practices neither is rarely the case.

The case for hospital birth tends to shift then when we learn and understand how the midwifery model of care for healthy, low-risk women really is a safe, extremely cost effective, and viable alternative that would potentially lower our maternal mortality rates

But, despite the research, people don’t want to believe it because…fear.

What I see is that people have such strong, personal opinions and carry so much fear and anxiety around the reasoning for their opinion.

But having a conversation about it can lead us to possible solutions that will give us what we want for our births while making it safer at the same time.

Thank you so much for having this conversation with me.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below what you think about hospital birth and our rising maternal mortality rate.

But remember, let’s be adults here and talk about it, not judge each other.

With so much love,

Lacey